I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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