Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
