your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
