The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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