I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
