I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
