I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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