He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
