We won't sleep together?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize