i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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