Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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