dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
