I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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