Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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