Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
