I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
