I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
