I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
