P.S. I can't hear my feet
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
