RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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