My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It's shark week go big or go home
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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