I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
