my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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