Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
