he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I can't turn off my feet"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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