you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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