Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize