I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
