Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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