why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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