I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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