just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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