I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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