to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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