I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Randomize