just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
