I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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