On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
