We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
