dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
