I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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