my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
