My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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