so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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