he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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