brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
