I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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