I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
