how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
