brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
