Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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