I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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