Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
