If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
