I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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